Teenagers go through some troubling times as they progress through their teenage years. Hormones are being developed in their body and changes are happening on a daily basis. Add this to the stress of attending senior school and situations that are more grown up than they are used to it is no wonder they might have difficulties in dealing in general with their life and the feelings they have. As this might become overwhelming to them they can develop anger and other behavioral issues.

They have a variety of issues and bringing to their attention that they suffer behavioral issues such as anger needs to be dealt with in a delicate manner to have them understand they need to make changes. Therefore to develop an anger management plan with a teenager it has to be formulated where it is not overbearing to them and one that they can meet on a daily basis.

Teenagers with anger issues tend to yell and scream, hurt themselves, say hurtful things, push other people around and even punch walls their siblings or in extreme cases their parents. It is a difficult task to approach of their behavior and the need for them to make changes. The young adult needs to know they can make changes quite effectively to enable them to lead a normal life that is easier and more enjoyable than the one they are presently living.

When they becomes angry they are incapable of seeing the other side of the problem. A sound strategy is for a trusted relative or friend to sit down with the person and discuss their feelings and to hear their side of the issue. By having such a frank and open discussion the troubled person could then explain how they feel and what caused them to feel this way. The relative or friend can then offer the teenager a different point of view to the situation where they can then make their own evaluation of the situation. Approaching the situation in this manner may be able to help themto sort through their issues and look at the situation from the other side.

Anger management for teenagers should provide them with strategies to practice self-control, to wait a few seconds and think about the repercussions of their reactions to situations. It is then that after considering the options regarding reactions, the teenager can make a choice or pick an alternative option which will bring about effective results. After acting on their feelings they can then learn to review their progress as they see what the outcome of the choice was. These steps might be considered an effective lesson plan for anger management in teens. If using this plan each time the teenager is confronted with stressful situations, eventually the teenager will be capable of dealing with confrontations much better.

Some counselors suggest prayer and meditation to form part of an anger management plan. These suggestions involve very personal practices for the teenager who is given a chance to pray and be alone with their thoughts providing them with a way to release tension and let the pressures of life wash away. Letting go of feelings of anger and negative thoughts would definitely make a positive change in the young adults life. Through prayer and meditation the teenager is able to dig deep into their minds and souls for answers to their problems and own personal comfort.

Teenagers often keep a dairy or write down their thoughts and feelings and should be encouraged that when they do have an episode of anger that they write down exactly how they felt leading up to the episode. This way the person is encouraged to identify and work through the issues, feelings and thoughts they had. By doing this the teenager is acknowledging and taking responsibility for their thoughts and subsequent actions providing them with a better understanding of what triggers an anger episode.

Success with a sound anger management plan will only be achieved when the teenager is able to accept responsibility for their actions and realize they need to make changes. Helping them to be successful in working through with an anger management plan may require hours of hard work and tears, but having the realization they are avoiding a future of recklessness and avoidable challenges is worth every second.

There are many strategies of anger management tips which people can practice when the going gets tough. These strategies can include deep breathing, exercise such as walking or cycling, putting away time for more rest, camping out in nature, find humor in the situation, play or listen to music. These are all recommended as anger management strategies for the person who finds themselves in stressful and confrontational situations.

Terry Glass has dealt with alternative remedies and strategies in dealing with a variety of disorders such as anxiety and behavioral issues. To reach a wider audience a website was developed to provide real strategies to deal with anxiety and behavioral issues. The main website can be found at Teenager Anger Management

The site is packed with information dealing with all aspects providing up to date information and resources not generally found on the world wide web. We welcome visitors to our site and hope we have achieved what the site was designed for, a place where a sufferer can go for real answers.

The term ‘anger management’ is used to acknowledge that anger is an inevitable, natural human emotion. It is not about getting rid of anger; rather it is about dealing with those emotions so you can express yourself more productively. Consider the following tips and ideas to assist you in managing your anger.

1 Keep a journal. Such reflection helps you become aware of your anger patterns and as such enables you to do something about them. When thinking about your anger, consider the following:

• How long does each anger episode last?
• How do you express anger?
• How often do you become angry?
• What triggered your anger?
• How do you feel physically?
• How do you feel emotionally?
• What do you do when other people get angry with you?
• Gaining awareness puts you into a position to think about what you would like to do differently.
• What is a more productive way to respond?

2 Accept that you do not always have to be right.

3 Learn acceptance of yourself and others.

4 Realise you cannot control the world. You may say “They can’t do that to me”. Actually they can and they did (whether it is right or not).

5 Own your anger rather than blaming the other person for your anger. You have chosen to respond the way you have and this has led to you feeling the way you do.

6 Learn to express your feelings when someone has upset you. So try “I feel angry because of what you just said to me”, rather than saying, “that has made me angry”.

7 Try forgiveness. Let go of anger from your past.

8 Learn how to compromise and accept it is not the end of the world.

9 Count down from 100 until you feel the anger has passed and you are in control once more.

10 Learn ‘thought stopping’. This is useful when you continue to go over and over a particular episode that caused you to feel angry. Consciously stop yourself thinking those thoughts, by saying and thinking ‘STOP’ to yourself.

11 Be assertive. Learn to say what you want and express how you feel, without resorting to verbal or physical abuse.

12 Exercise or do something physical to help release the emotions.

13 Learn how to relax.

14 Listen to the other person and try to see things from their point of view.

15 Learn how to resolve conflict productively.

16 Learn to manage stress.

17 Learn to problem solve. A) define your problem; B) choose your goal; C) brainstorm possibilities and solutions; D) consider the consequences of each possibility; E)choose the most appropriate solution; F) plan and implement your chosen solution; G) evaluate the outcome.

18 Change your thinking. Thoughts such as ‘never’, ‘always’, ‘must’, ‘have to’ are not realistic and are not helpful. You put a lot of burden on yourself and others when you think this way. Challenge these thoughts and construct more realistic alternatives.

19 See a counsellor.

20 Attend an anger management group.

Copyright Julia Barnard 2007

Julia Barnard is a professional counsellor living in Adelaide, Australia. She provides an online counselling service through her website http://www.makethechange.com.au. Julia also writes articles for the website aimed at enhancing wellbeing and promoting good mental health.

What is anger?

Anger is a response to a situation or event that is at odds with your beliefs and values. It also occurs when you are prevented in some way from achieving your goals. Anger is a normal, natural emotion that can be positive. It can assist you in correcting wrongs and asserting and standing up for what you believe in. We all experience anger, yet not all of us can control it. Some people become angry quicker than others and there are differences in how that anger is handled.

Where does anger come from?

Events within your environment as well as your own thoughts and feelings can lead to feelings and expressions of anger. Anger can arise from the following:

• Stress.
• Work overload.
• Feelings of powerlessness.
• Frustration with life in general or with a specific event.
• Other people failing to meet up to your expectations or to follow assumed societal rules.
• Fear.
• Dwelling over past events.
• Events in your external environment.

How are we affected by anger?

Anger causes a similar response to your body as stress. When you become angry, your heart rate and blood pressure increases. You may develop stomach aches and headaches. Long term this can lead to a heart attack, heart disease, stomach ulcers and circulatory problems. It is therefore important to learn how to manage your anger.

When is anger unhelpful?

How do you know that your anger has become a problem, rather than being helpful? The following are potential signs:

• When you frequently feel angry.
• Your angry episodes are very intense.
• Even though you express your anger, you are still left feeling dissatisfied.
• Your anger lasts for long periods.
• Your anger is not managed well.

How do people mismanage anger?

There are two ways that people fail to manage their anger well. Firstly, people may vent their anger externally, through physical or verbal outbursts. They will take it out on others, although it is not necessarily the person they are angry at who they take it out on. It is such people who we normally associate with being angry. However, another mismanaged expression of anger is to actually suppress anger or to turn anger on oneself. Such people you may think do not experience anger since on the surface they do not appear to. They may be afraid to express their anger, perhaps fearing confrontation or lacking assertiveness.

Why is such anger expression unhelpful?

There are a number of reasons why both expressions of anger are problematic:

• They are not productive.
• Such expressions are often displaced.
• Can lead to illness, depression and other problems, especially if the anger has been suppressed.
• You can end up in prison.
• People can get seriously hurt or killed.
• It can destroy relationships.

What is the right way to express anger?

It is important to be able to express your anger. In fact research by Hosie et al (2001) found that people who were prevented from expressing their anger displayed more anger later on than those who were free to express how they felt. The key is to learn how to be assertive. That is, being able to say what you want and express your feelings without attacking the other person (whether verbally or physically) or hiding it away. Learn how to stand up for what you believe in, whilst not treading on the beliefs of others.

Counselling can help you deal with any concerns you may have about anger.

Copyright Julia Barnard 2007

Julia Barnard is a professional counsellor living in Adelaide, Australia. She provides an online counselling service through her website http://www.makethechange.com.au. Julia also writes articles for the website aimed at enhancing wellbeing and promoting good mental health.

“Anger is a tool for change when it challenges us to become more of an expert on the self and less of an expert on others.” Harriet Lerner, The Dance of Anger

A former colleague called me last week to “let off steam” as she put it. This colleague was angry at her older brother for not taking care of his health and becoming very sick as a result. As I listened to her talk, I thought about how often anger is really fear in disguise.

When she reached the end of her “venting”, I asked her to tell me what she was afraid would happen. She was silent for a few seconds, then sighed and said: “I am afraid that I will lose my brother or end up having to take care of him.” I could hear the change in her tone as the anger dissipated. Once she had uncovered what was really bothering her, we were able to talk about her fears and how she could resolve them.

Can you think of times when anger you’ve expressed is really fear?

Could anger at a partner for not equally sharing the workload, be the fear of not having enough time to do what you want?

Could anger at your teenager for staying out too late be the fear that something will happen to them?

Could anger over not getting something you thought you deserved, (promotion, raise, reward, recognition, thank you, etc), be the fear of not being valued or appreciated or the fear of not being good enough?

Could anger at your spouse for spending too much (or not saving) be the fear of running out of money?

Could anger over the end of a relationship be the fear of abandonment?

Could anger over some decision made without your input be the fear of not being acknowledged or in control?

The next time you feel yourself getting angry, take a few minutes to really analyze what’s behind the anger. Ask yourself: “What am I afraid will happen? What need do I have that is not being met, (a need to be secure, appreciated, recognized, loved, valued, in control, informed, etc.)?” Write down your answers. Once you’ve identified or named the fear behind the anger, it is much easier to resolve it, find a solution, reach a compromise or release it.

When you’re angry, instead of saying words like: “I am furious with you, what you did really makes me angry!” try this: “You know what’s really bothering me? I am afraid that ______________ (I might lose you, we might run out of money; my contribution is not valued, etc). Can we talk about this?” Expressing your fear to the other party, opens the conversation door whereas expressing anger slams it shut. If someone is angry with you, apply the same questioning technique with them. Try this approach next time the opportunity comes up for you or someone else. All you have to lose is anger!

Vicki Miller, CUCG, PCC / Copyright October 2007

As a Life Transition Coach I teach clients the five steps to a prosperous life now! I help my clients identify and remove obstacles in the way and bring clarity and focus to their dreams. Are you undergoing a major transition and not clear where to turn? What’s the most important thing you would ask a coach if given the opportunity? Call (972-306-4489) or email me, (coach.v.miller@verizon.net), to set up a complimentary, no obligation 30 minute telephone coaching session. Download my FREE e-Book, 12 Fun Ways to Change Your Life, or sign up for my FREE monthly newsletter at http://www.thrivingthroughchange.com or http://www.directsellingleadershipcenter.com

There is never a day when nobody or nothing makes you angry. When you are a teacher, you would get mad with students who are overly mischievous. When you are a boss and your staff has breached your trust in him or her, you would feel upset. When you are a parent and your child disobeys you, you would get worked up.

Simply said, when someone is not fulfilling your wishes deliberately or something does not seem to go your way, that is when anger gets the better off you! But do not prolong it.

Prolonged anger can actually lead to mental disorientations. You would not be able to carry out your tasks or activities as planned as your mind is still cumbersome with the unpleasant situation. It can even affect you physically.

When you get angry, more of the face muscles are being used up compared to when you are smiling. This can make your face wrinkled and look older even at a young age. It also affects your blood pressure. Too much anger can apparently cause the shooting up of blood pressure.

Most of all, it is unhealthy for you emotionally. You would become less cheerful and even end up stabbing the hearts of other people around you, even though you were merely in the fit of anger. Nevertheless, it is still treatable. No worries!

Let’s take a look at ways for you to manage your anger and revert back to your own self again

q Stand or sit somewhere a bit further from where you were, and take deep breathes. Inhale and exhale slowly. This is one way of consoling yourself after having to grasp everything that makes you rage with fire.

q Drink some water or rinse your face. Water is meant to put the fire down anyway. So keeping your throat or face moist would be of great help for you.

q Find someone whom you can relate to about this. However, do not make him or her your punching bag. Keep your cool a little and talk it out gently.

q If you do not really have a confidante to talk to, you can jot it down on your personal diary. At least the anger has been transformed into words and you would feel a little bit consoled by then.

q Go to a place where you can feel the breeze blowing soothingly on your face. Lay your eyes on greeneries or the sea and you will be able to find a peace of mind and heart.

q Make use of your daily entertainment like watching television or listening to the radio. Watch a comedy to give yourself a good laugh. Listen to smooth tunes that can calm your body and soul. Like the songs here in our website!

q Smile it away. Putting a smile on your face would gradually remove the anger in you. Mingle around with people who would smile together with you.

There are some of us who seem to find anger management such a chore. Things do not go your way all the time, and some people just do not want to see you happy in life. But do not let these setbacks stop you from being the normal person you want to be. Be strong willed and positive in attitude, and you will stop anger from dominating your soul!

Let these tips help you escape from the raging fire in you. You can even share with us your experiences and other ways to manage anger. Perhaps you can talk it out to us whatever that makes you fuming, and we will gladly lend you our helping hands.

Nafa Danfad

1) Anger is an emotion experienced by everyone, both adults and children. When something negative happens to an individual it can make them become angry. Anger is a normal reaction to these situations.

2) Anger can be identified as a mild or severe irritation. Depending on the person, the situation, and their feelings, anger may cause an individual to become incensed or infuriated.

3) Individuals who become angry react differently to one another. Some lash out or become extremely aggressive. Other people bottle up their negative feelings or become withdrawn, While some people become rude and insulting. Anger can be an extremely destructive emotion if left uncontrolled.

4) Controlling anger is called anger management. The first step in anger management is for the person concerned to admit there is a problem. Many individuals who have huge issues with anger do not see it. People who fail to admit they have a problem controlling their anger and accepting responsibility for their behavior, often play the blame game.

5) People with anger issues often fail to see the situation as being their fault. They always blame anything or anyone other than themselves. Lessons in anger management, will teach them self-awareness and to taking responsibility for their anger.

6) Many individuals who have anger issues feel insulted when anger management is suggested. They cannot accept that they have anger problems so they do not seeking the help they need. Continuing down the road where they are constantly angry and lashing out, will eventually cause major problems. Without anger management these people will likely experience pain and grief as they lose their families, friends jobs and even their own identity.

7) It is vital that anger management is presented not as a punishment, but rather as support to allow them to live a happier life. The purpose of anger management is to help the people deal with their problems and, allow them to establish why they become so angry. It also teaches the person not to be imprisoned by their feelings, especially their anger. Anger management is designed to teach the individual techniques and strategies which stop them from becoming angry as frequently.

There are many anger management techniques. There are different courses, programs, worksheets, all designed specifically to help those with anger issues. These programs are adapted to help different people, kids, teens, adults, couples and families.

9) Anger management programs are designed to educate and encourage people to work on their anger. Teaching individuals techniques for addressing their problems and controlling their anger are essential in anger management.

10) Anger can be a healthy, normal emotion. However when anger takes over an individual’s life, submerging them in a sea of destruction and violence, it can be a devastating problem. Not only does the anger destroy the individual but it also impacts negatively on everyone they are in contact with. Anger management could change this person’s life for the better.

James Derby is a prolific writer on child development and parenting. He has published many articles and reports based on his experience both as a father of 2 children and a part-time teacher.

He is particularly interested in the subject of ‘Child Anger Management’ drawing on first hand knowledge of the issues he faced during his son’s teenage years.

If you would like to learn more about ‘Anger Management In Children’ and how you can support your child then please visit: http://www.childangermanagement.info

People are angry. I don’t think anyone is surprised to read those words. I wanted to write an article about healthy ways of dealing with other people’s anger, but before I could start, I had a few chores to do. I decided to use the time to plan the story.

My first chore meant a stop at a large discount store to pick up a few office supplies. I try to park far away from stores and walk, for a couple of reasons. Both because I need the exercise and I have no desire to fight with aggressive drivers, determined to park near the door.

I gathered my products and went to a self-checkout counter. As I scanned the last item, I realized the total was at least $50 more than it should have been. I didn’t have many items and could quickly see, there was a $50 charge that wasn’t for anything in my bag. I began my search for someone to help and heard the people in line behind me begin to grumble. Finally finding an expert customer service representative, I showed her the problem.

“What did you do?” She asked.

The grumbles got louder and my face flushed. “I scanned my items, but this one’s not mine. Take a look.”

She tsked and looked at the growing line of customers apologetically, if rolling her eyes and cocking her hip was an apology. Then, slowly, she removed the products from my bag one at a time and dramatically waved them over the scanner as she punched in her secret manager’s code. I thought she was finally convinced that the error wasn’t mine, but noticed her eyeing my purse. I hate shopping and the thought of starting again kept me from walking away, also, at that point, I expected an escort to a dark room for a full body search. Everyone attending this drama apparently thought I should have paid the extra money and walked away. Everyone except me.

On the way to my next chore at a grocery store, a man pulled a shiny new Lincoln in front of me. I had to hit the brakes and my office supplies once again left the bag. He proceeded to slow to answer and talk on his cell phone, even though talking on a cell phone and driving is illegal in our city. “Little care I for the law,” says he. I don’t think he was even aware that there was another car on the road.

Knowing I neared the end of my chores cheered me and I brought my basket to a checkout counter and waited in line. I wasn’t going to fall for that self-checkout scam again. Let the error be the clerks fault. As I neared the register, I noticed the milk carton leaked. I showed the clerk and, guess what; she tsked. “I’ll run over and get another one,” I told her and looked at the disgruntled faces in line behind me. They may have been the same people I saw earlier. Of course, by the time I ran for the replacement and returned to the line, everyone had ‘that look’. I almost apologized for complaining about a leaking milk carton.

The drive home was to be a chance for me to organize my thoughts about the article ‘how to deal with angry people’. Instead I thought about a $4,000 dentist bill that I had to put on a credit card only to end up with a toothache and advice to have a specialist do surgery on the tooth. I thought about the $500 I spent for a pair of glasses designed to self-destruct two days after the warranty ended. Another credit card purchase. I thought about the fact that no matter what something cost, and no matter who wants to take my money, I’m not supposed to be upset. I’m not supposed to complain.

When I put away my purchases, I sat down at the computer, ready to start the article. The phone rang. A woman from a firm that does television ratings wanted to take ten or fifteen minutes of my time to do a survey. No, she didn’t offer to pay me for my time, buy I was quite sure that the survey would somehow make them money. I said no, and before I could explain that I didn’t watch television, she asked, “Do you know who we are?”

Asking her if she knew who I was would have been childish and petty. I almost did, but instead looked at the phone and set it down gently. My remarkable self-control kept me from slamming it on the desk, that, and full credit cards that couldn’t buy a new phone. I mentally cracked my knuckles and started to type. ‘How to deal with angry people…’ The next part of the sentence made me smile…’when one of them, is you.’

It wasn’t an earth shattering revelation, but it brought a sense of relief. I don’t have control over anyone but myself. Except for staying out of the way of someone angry enough to hurt me, my anger is the only one I can or need acknowledge. Deep breaths, focusing on things that matter and doing what makes me happy, help diffuse any anger that creeps in. My ultimate goal is not have anger to diffuse. I mean, what does ‘tsk’ mean anyway?

Jean Sheldon, a native Chicagoan, spent much of her life as a graphic artist. She self-published a book of poems called ‘Jelly Side Down’, a book on basic car repair called ‘Glove Box Guide to Keeping it on the Road’, and co-authored, with her cat, Xena, ‘The Way of the Cat: Teaching Humans to Be’. At fifty-three, she began writing mysteries and in May of 2007 published the first book of her Chicago Police Detective Kerry Grant series. Website: http://www.jeansheldon.com

Yelling at the top of his lungs, the Vietnam Veteran lambasted a small business man, who had previously retired from a Middle Manager position at Frito Lays Corporation. Yes he had the gold watch and had put in 35 years. Worked his way up from fork-lift driver, to route driver, to location station manager to regional distribution management.

He did nothing wrong, worked hard and raised two boys, who graduated with honors and have great corporate jobs. His wife was a school teacher and his daughter finished her degree and got married and has two terrific kids. How did I know all this? Well I talked with the gentleman after the Vietnam Veteran left the scene.

The Vietnam Vet told the small business man and retired corporate man that he was a loser and because he did not join the military, he was worthless. Fact is, his draft number was not called and the war ended, so he was a civilian all his life. We discussed the behavior of the Vietnam Veteran and decided that if he was truly one with his cause, that he would have been proud to serve and allow all of us a peaceful and productive life.

The Vietnam Vet is bitter and enumerated the number of friends that had fallen and how no one cared and how he was cheated out of his life. Still it seems that one is only cheated if they allow their circumstances to put up personal barriers, which they choose not to remove or climb. The Vietnam Vet is stuck in the past in a very hurtful place and a horrific emotional place. Let’s try to understand this man. Sincerely, Lance.

L. Winslow is an Economic, Political and Technology Advisor to the Online Think Tank, a Futurist and retired entrepreneur http://www.worldthinktank.net . Currently Mr. Winslow is planning a bicycle ride from Canada to Mexico and in Spring across the US from San Diego to Virginia Beach to raise money for charity. Previously he was a track star athlete, private pilot, involved in politics, community volunteerism and a Franchising Founder. Mr. Winslow has choosen 100 titles of Books he wishes to write and has completed ten thus far. The subjects include; Community Planning, Future Tech, Franchising, Small Business, and Third World Issues.

It is very easy to get angry, with the way the world is today. Most people have stress levels off the charts due to family, work, social problems, and worst of all, financial and debt issues. With everything that is on your plate, it’s no wonder that most days you feel like screaming and ranting until things finally start to make sense. So, what can be done to soothe your raging spirit and bring calm to your life when everything feels so out of your control? Anger management is a collection of techniques and methods that are designed to help you learn to better control your anger and feel more at peace with the world around you. The following four anger management methods will give you the information you need to help you decide how and where to get help.

Relaxation Therapy Since stress and the feelings of pressure are often the leading reasons for uncontrollable anger. The best way to curb this type of anger is through relaxation therapy. Relaxation helps reduce stress levels and allows you to better control your anger. One of the most common relaxation technique is meditation. Meditation is focused breathing often accompanied by a specific and meaningful word or phrase repeated under your breath. This word or phrase is also called a Mantra and frequently represents something important to your life.

Aromatherapy has more recently become a favorite way for people to relax and relieve stress. By adding a scent to your bathwater, floating to candlelight and maybe reading a good book or listening to soothing music, you will be able to feel your tension melt away.

Many people also find exercise, particular yoga, to be relaxing in a meditative way. Not only does yoga relieve stress, it also helps you get into shape. I know looking good improves my attitude!

Support Groups When your stress levels are high and your anger is out of control, you can feel lonely, scared and isolated. As if you are the most horrible person in the world and the only one who can’t handle your anger. Joining a support group can show you that there are many, many people who struggle with the same anger problems that you do. If you are shy or just prefer not seeking out a support group in the “real world”, the Internet offers assistance through forums and chat rooms. On the Internet you can enjoy the feeling of belonging that you need while still getting the feeling of anonymity that you want.

Self-Help Books Maybe you are the type of person who learns best through reading. Self-help books for anger management can discuss many different ways to analyze your problem with anger and get to the root of your issues. Some of the other methods discussed in this article will be discussed in more thorough detail and other methods will be introduced. Many anger management self-help books were written by medical professionals (mostly psychologists) and can effectively help you cope with your out of control anger.

It is important to note that it is net recommended to only use self-help books to treat anger. Reading a book can only help so much and should be combined with other methods for treating anger management.

Therapy If you feel that your anger is seriously out of control and you may be a danger to yourself or others in a fit of rage, you should enlist the help of a professional mental health counselor. A counselor will talk with you about your anger, try to determine the root, and introduce you to the most effective techniques in controlling anger. Therapy isn’t only a last resort for anger management; it is a good option for people who have only mild anger problems too. Anyone who believes they could benefit from talking to a professional about their anger should go ahead and schedule an appointment without fearing judgment.

http://www.livingmybigdream.com
http://hubpages.com/hub/Anger-Managment

Remember the last time you were irritated and agitated, but couldn’t quite put your finger on why? Maybe your husband forgot — again — to take the trash out. Yes, it’s irritating, but you’re also aware that you’re even more irritated than the situation seems to warrant. What do you do?

a. take the trash out yourself, then almost deliberately start a fight with him about it to help blow off some steam and make sure he never forgets again

b. quietly stew about it until he asks why you’re ignoring him and then calmly remind him through grinding teeth and forced smile of his previous promise

c. nothing; ignore it each time until it gets so irritating that you explode later over something totally unrelated

I’m sure you could come up with several more options on your own too, and they sure do make us feel better in the moment. There’s nothing like the release of spewing our frustration and anger at someone else, especially when they’ve given us a reason. But does it really solve the problem?

How can it, if we don’t know what the real problem is that needs to be resolved?

Knowing how to get beyond the external cause of a problem and into the emotional reaction we’re having can be a challenge, especially when we’re in the middle of the emotional part. But it is possible - and totally worth it.

By asking ourselves the right questions, we might realize that it’s not about the trash at all. We might realize that what we’re reacting to is that he was inconsiderate and that might be one of our biggest pet peeves. Or we might realize that with the toddler in the house just learning to walk, having a full trash bag left sitting around too long is a health concern. Or we might realize that we’re frustrated over the incident at work the day before when our colleague completely ignored our suggestion and it blew up into a nightmare that almost got us fired and now we feel as if we’ve just been ignored again.

It could be almost anything. But when we learn how to address the real reason we’re reacting, it allows us to find a real solution. Not one that just makes us feel better in the moment and potentially at the cost of others, but one that allows us to find resolution in the way we truly need it.

What are those 3 magical questions you can ask yourself the next time you want a solution?

1. What do I NOT want myself to be aware of right now?

2. What can I learn from this (either your response to question 1 or the situation itself)?

3. How might I use this new awareness to serve both myself and others; now and in the future?

These 3 questions bring out what’s behind the immediate reaction we’re having, and allow us to begin focusing that same energy in a positive and supportive way.

So the next time you find yourself reacting, but can’t quite put your finger on why, give these questions a try. You might be surprised at how much better you feel.

Lori Chance is a writing coach who uses her experience as a life coach, mother, woman and entrepreneur to enhance the lives of herself and others. She recently published Who Am I? How to Answer the Single Most Important Question You’ll Ever Ask, a resource for women in transition. Feel free to learn more about Lori online at Destination Words You may also enjoy reading one of her blogs